Starting Over Is Hard

This is a season of new beginnings for me, and to say that it is difficult is an understatement. In this season, I have started over on my Youtube journey, I have restarted my hair journey, and it feels like my weight loss journey is on a never ending cycle of restarting. I could look at this point in life as failure, or I can welcome the challenge and figure out a way to overcome.

I began Youtube as a way to document my journey to peace in several areas of my life. I was on a journey to peace in my finances, physical appearance, natural hair, home maintenance, and my marriage. I wanted to document the beginning until the time I found “peace” in all of those areas. For me, peace in my finances means I can finally shop without thinking about the price tag or I can travel the world without concern for the cost. I budget because I want to; not because I have to. With regard to my physical appearance, I want to get back to the size that makes me most comfortable. I need to lose about 40 pounds and do some muscle toning. I have been working out and in my last post, Frustrated with Lack of Weight Loss I discussed the challenges I am having with this journey and it is beyond frustrating. As far as my home is concerned, I realize that I will be in a perpetual state of cleaning with small children; however, I would like to create a plan for the family, outside of laundry because I have that together, that will make this stage a bit less hectic for me. Lastly, with my natural hair, I was on a journey to bra strap length hair and I was getting pretty close to it, then bam. I had to start over. I had been natural for 11 years and 10 years post big chop and I colored my hair and it damaged my hair so badly I had to start over. After letting the color grow out for a year, I now have a twa (teeny weeny afro).

This season is teaching me several lessons. With respect to my Youtube channel, https://bit.ly/2PEU4uD, I  am being humbled by the restarting process. At the time I had to restart, I was halfway to my goal of having my first 1,000 subscribers and now, I am struggling to rebuild. This is a season of patience. I know the content I am making resonates with people and they just have to find me and the subscriber count will increase, but it is hard to pour energy into things in this era of instant gratification and have to wait.

With respect to my hair, I am in the same season of patience, just in a different way. I have seen myself for so long in the same way. I loved my hair. People loved my hair. It was always a topic of conversation, whether it was curly or straight. I loved talking about all things hair and it’s been years since I was in a twa, so I had long forgotten what it looks like for me to have short hair. I did not think the process all the way through and I just went for it. Now, I am in a season of patience because I have to wait for my hair to grow back. I knew that my hair was unhealthy and it needed to go, but letting it go was a challenge. Now that I have done it, I have to trust the process. Trust that it will grow. Trust that I know what I am doing with my hair and things will be ok.

Honestly, the journeys of starting over with Youtube and my hair are much easier for me than the journey to peace with my physical appearance. Over the last year, I gained 40 pounds and trying to get it off is a challenge. It is hard to keep pushing through when you’re eating right and working out and your body isn’t responding. I am on medication now and it doesn’t seem to be doing much for my insulin levels, so it’s super frustrating. The one thing that I have started doing is intermittent fasting and that seems to be working, even if it’s only a pound every two weeks. It’s better than nothing.

I am going to keep pushing in this season because I know better days are coming and I will see my reward at the end. Until next time, journey on!

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