THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY

June 29, 2017 is a day that I will never forget. How can I? It’s the day that changed my world completely. It fundamentally altered who I am. It rocked me to my core. It stole a piece of me. It stole my peace.

On June 29, 2017, my best friend was stolen from me. It has been a year to the day and on this day, I wish I could simply skip through the day and it be the 30th. I tried my hardest to drown the impending hour with alcohol and that didn’t work. I tried not thinking about it, but that didn’t work. I tried just being and even that is too hard.

So, I’m trying this. I’m doing something that reminds me of her. I am sharing a bit of myself through a medium she loved so much. She began blogging before blogging was popular. She was transparent and taught me to be as well. There were so many life lessons that she taught me and will never get to finish teaching me. My heart aches when I think of her. My body physically hurts when I am reminded that I must travel this journey called life without her. I had the pleasure of calling her my best friend for 15 years and she made my life so much better.

When I think of her, I think that she perfectly embodies the new Beyonce song “friends”. That girl prayed for me, wanted better things for me, saw better days for me. I told her everything. With her, my soul was exposed. Without her, things aren’t the same. What is funny to me now is that she had two sets of best friends who knew of each other but didn’t ever get to hang out together during her lifetime. She was the glue that held each trio together. She had such a way about her that each of us knew her in a slightly different capacity and each have different stories to tell of her. All of us have now connected over this tremendous loss. What this tells me is that God knew that when she left, we would need two more people to try to make us whole again. While we can never be whole without her, she left each of us us two new friends. This is a club that I wouldn’t want anyone else to join. Membership into this club is only gained through sorrow and a loss unlike any other. However, with each other, we keep her light shinning. We keep her name alive. We keep her memories alive. We keep her faith and strength alive. We are each carrying on a journey that she started, in our own ways. This is my way.

What I want to let those of you reading this post know is this, who I was before June 29, 2017, I will never be again. There is such a gaping whole in my heart that will not close. And while I do my best to smile, to push through, persevere, be strong, move forward, love, heal, I struggle. I struggle greatly. I am on a journey to peace in my life and that journey is requiring transparency and this is my transparent moment. Life without her is hard. A piece of me died that morning with her and if you’ve noticed the change in me, continue to pray for me. Continue to check on me. Continue to love on me. Be there for me.

Until next time, journey on!

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